Today I awake at 1:30pm after staying up until 4:30am on my computer. The nights here are lonley. It's not the experience I was expecting so far.
 
It doesn't help me and chelsea have been fighting. It's just so stupid. Our whole relationship has been an absurd power struggle. A never ending cycle of jealousy. It's so foolish. I regret never saying what I wanted to in the moment, and prolonging a dying relationship to this. I can't even process my feelings about her. I've always known me and chelsea were going to end but I never prepared for it emotionally. Being here alone has given me alot of time for reflection. I need to understand why I have such a problem with loss. I don't act rationally. I need to make better decisions forward. I need to find someone who respects my love. This just wasn't meant to be and it's time to finally accept that. Chelsea's not the person who I initially thought she would be, and I need to accept that shes not the person meant for me in this world. I should reflect upon our relationship in a sense of knowledge, always focusing on what I learned from my time spent with chelsea. I can't sit here and focus on the descions we both made to draw us further apart, I need to view it as exactly what it is.

Chelseas not ready for love, and neither am I. I need to leave it at that.

Anyways, now that i'm done with that. Since I had the day to myself I decided to go on a jog in central park. It was great to be in the fresh air. I ran myself ragged and ended up bruising my heels on the stones on the pathes. I came back to the apartment, worked on some photos on photobucket, cleaned the apartment, and picked up pizza from freddys. I then spent sundown on the roof writing. It was very peaceful and cleared my mind. I love New York rooftops. Theres such calming energy looking at a city from a different perspective. I then waited for Joe to get back, we blazed and had a deep conversation regarding a mans divine purpose on this earth, he shared with me that curiosity is key, and to never let yourself check out. Always be curious, always have a desire to learn more than you already know. We then went into couch coma mode and watched some TV. A simple and reflective day.

 


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    Justin Sterling

    A 18 year old artist working as a model in New York City. My thoughts and events throughout my everyday life.

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    August 2012